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Offline HughWottmeight86

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FanFiction Critique?
« on: January 26, 2016, 05:47:41 PM »
Greetings friends,

As a part of my inaugural tour on Memory Lane, I picked up an old story I had been working on and haven't updated in over a month, but I was wondering if I could gather a few reviews from ye olde Aang-Gang and see what I could improve on, I'm still a major rookie on writing and am curious.

Here's the first chapter.



A/N: I'm baaaaack! I do owe kind of an explaination. I have issues with commitment, mostly in the story-writing realm. Alot has changed for me in the last 3 years, as I look upon this story and wonder what the hell I was thinking writing a first chapter THAT short. I'm planning on scrapping chapter one entirely and calling the 2nd chapter the first once, and expanding on it. I've always had an issue with Writer's Block, and will be looking for a beta, to help me brainstorm/write/proofread and do all sorts of fun stuff. If you're interested, hmu on here. What sparked this revival is also having gone through and read enough stories, that I found this one, read it, became disgusted with the first chapter. Heh. Fuck me right?

Jeremie sat at his computer watching wrestling, it wasn't a known fact to anyone else except him, because no one at Kadic showed the same interest in it. He was watching his favorite wrestler, CM Punk, preform a promo on a microphone, he sat criss cross style in the ring and preached about the fact that WWE had treated him unfairly, saying that someone didn't want him to be the WWE Champion. Jeremie smiled, he liked the guy because he was always able to speak his mind no matter what happened to him. Jeremie was never able to with the fear of getting beat up by kids.

Jeremie looked at the clock on his computer, it told him it was breakfast time, he smiled again, that meant seeing Aelita. Grinning like a chesire cat, he walked his way down to breakfast, little did he know, he bascially looked like shit. His hair dishevled in several places, shirt untucked in spots and stains on his pants.

But it wasn't like Jeremie cared about his looks, because he never really gave enough of a damn to please anyone, his grades pleased his parents, his work on Lyoko pleased the world and his friends...but there wasn't someone he could please just yet...Aelita. He loved her ever since he first saw her in that computer...and called her Maya. He grinned at the memory. He was so naive about her then, and now he knew basically almost everything about her.

He finally reached the courtyard, clouds glazed the sky, giving it a indication that it was going to rain soon, very soon indeed. He smiled, he loved the rain, it reminded him of Aelita, because of her absolute and free spirit, the rain was just the same as her.

He found the cafeteria and walked in, there seeing his favorite pinkette he grinned.

He walked over to their table and sat down.

"Hi Jeremie." called the group, by now they were pretty used by the way to Jeremie looked and he had good reason for looking like a complete pile of crap. Aelita didn't like it, the grin was lost slightly on his face as he looked her in the face. She had a look mixed with concern and a slight hint of disgust. This put him down a slight bit, which gave him more encouragement to actually clean himself up.

None of the group really said anything, they just sat there eating. Nothing much really going on here at this point in time.

Soon, the bell rang and breakfast was over, their silent vigil at the table ended, Jeremie and Aelita had first period history together, but after witnessing what Aelita's reaction to his appearance was, he resolved to be 15 minutes late cleaning himself up. He ran quickly up to his dorm and dug into his wardrobe for ANYTHING. He ended up finding a blue button-up, grey jeans and grey sneakers. Jeremie then ran to the showers and showered quickly. He got dressed, grabbed his bag and ran as fast as he could towards his first period.

Jeremie's history class was AP French-American History, which was taught by Ms. Cheryl Rushing, a kindly old caucasian woman in her 60s. She had a pixie cut, a polka-dotted white shirt on, with black dots, blue jeans and running shoes.

noted that Jeremie had just burst in through the middle of her lecture, but didn't break her stride, after informing the class what occurred at the battle of Waterloo and Napoleon's humilating defeat, she then turned to Jeremie and spoke in a southern drawl that came from the bounds of Texas.

"Now, Jeremie, can you please tell me why you are late?" asked Ms. Rushing kindly.

"Sorry ma'am, I had to get changed, I, err, spilled some of my juice on my shirt and pants." Jeremie replied a little embarassed. Ms. Rushing gestured her hand for him to take his sit, and he did and went on with her lecture. Jeremie hadn't looked to see Aelita's reaction to his apperance yet, even though she was sitting right next to him on his right. He turned and looked at her.

The pinkette turned and looked him up and down, a smirk and a slight pink blush on her face, indicating her approval. She raised her left hand and gave a thumbs up. Jeremie blushed and turned his head back to , incling his head and reaching to his bag to grab his journal and pen so he could take notes. He spent the entire period trying not to look at Aelita, although that was a bit hard.

"Pay attention, idiot. Keep it in your pants. You have to pass to have all this remember?" His brain said.

"Shut up, I wasn't thinking about THAT until you said it, besides since when have I had trouble passing?" Jeremie fired back.

"Yeah, yeah. Just pay attention." His brain conceded.

Happy, and slightly weirded out that he just won an argument with himself, he settled himself and took notes for the rest of the period. The bell rang and he walked with Aelita to her second period class.

"Hey, so anything on Lyoko so far?" Aelita asked, attempting to strike up a conversation

"Not much, Xana's been pretty quiet lately, thank god. I've been working myself to the bone on the anti-virus. Haven't been making much progress unfortunately." Jeremie replied, with a smile. It felt good knowing it was all for her.

"Jeremie." Aelita began, with a slight sadness to her tone. "I don't want you killing yourself for me, I saw how you looked this morning and I can't get used to it like the others, I like what you're doing now, the way you looked in class was fantastic. You haven't been eating and sleeping, you can't keep going on like this."

"Anything for you. But you're right, I promise, I will make more of an effort to keep myself together. After all, whose gonna make sure you know all about the world if I'm not around?" Jeremie joked, a grin on his face, unable to keep his happy mood at bay.

Aelita laughed. "Well there is Odd." She replied, with a smirk.

Jeremie chuckled. "Fine fine fine." He said, and he hugged Aelita, and whilst he was hugging her, she kissed him on the cheek and whispered "Thank you for listenting to me." in his ear.

He blushed, smiled, and waved and watched her walk away.

"I'm in love." He thought.

 

       
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Logo illustrations courtesy of terrik_zion and Seluna.
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