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Author Topic: Cowboys and Caroline's Chaos. (T I guess)  (Read 385 times)

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Offline Cowboy Colt

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Cowboys and Caroline's Chaos. (T I guess)
« on: March 13, 2013, 01:36:16 AM »
Hey folks. I wrote this fic as a joke with Caroline about a Mario fic she wrote when she was 9 about Link trying to murder Princess Peach on their wedding day. Keep in mind she KNEW NOTHING about LOZ at the time and  this fic is pure parody and is intentionally bad. I hope you at least get a chuckle. (It's not going to make a whole lot of sense. Just letting you know.) It has a lot of video game jokes so the humor is hit or miss. XD

Cowboy's and Caroline's Chaos (click to show/hide) It was a near perfect day in Nintendonia; Doc still told you to join the  Nintendo Fun Club, people were still freaked out by the fact that Samus was in fact a chick, and Professor Oak still couldn’t remember his own grandson’s name(People tell me it’s Gary, but I think it’s Fart). But it was only near perfect because one plump plumber was incredibly depressed because the fair princess Peach was going to marry the hero of time. And that, dear reader, is where our tale begins.

Mario let out another sad sigh as the worst day of his life went painfully slow. The woman he loved was getting married to another man and there was nothing he could do to stop it. In fact, he wasn’t doing much of anything. He was just sitting in the house that he and his brother called home, watching one of his favorite shows, “The Shiny and Melon Show”(Followed closely by the, “Brandon and Megan Show”). But right as the next horrible punch line was delivered, his brother, Luigi, stepped in front of the television.
 
“Hey!”  Mario shouted   “ I was watching that!”   

“I don’t care what you were doing, Mario.” Luigi responded “We need to talk.”

“We don’t need to talk about anything.” Mario responded with bitterness. “Now turn the T.V. back on. That one was one of my favorites.”

Luigi plopped down on the couch next to Mario and wrapped an arm around him. “C’mon, Bro. I know today can’t be easy. In order for you to heal you need to let things out.”

For a moment both brothers simply stared at one another until Mario finally broke down and let the tears flow forth. “I miss Peach, Bro!” Mario blubbered. “I Know I was the one who ended it but I had no idea she would rebound off of Link so quickly! Let alone marry him in a few short months!”


“It was for the best, Mario.” Luigi consoled. It was not a healthy relationship. She was getting captured at least three times a week by Bowser!”

“But that’s what I miss about her!  I mean, what does Link have that I don’t have?”

“Let’s see…” his brother paused for thought. “He has saved princesses for almost as long as you have, he knows magic, he can travel through time, has a flying bird, and not to mention he’s pretty good looking!” Luigi exclaimed.

“It was a rhetorical question!”  Mario seethed.  “And what about Link?! I thought He was dating Sophita!?”

Luigi shook his head. “No. They broke up a while ago. It’s those guest character relationships, man. They start out hot and heavy, but they never last. I hear her and Ezio are already having problems.”

Luigi took one look at his defeated brother and offered a solution. “Listen, Mario, If It means that much to you can still catch them while there is time. You can tell peach how much she means to you. It’s better than always wondering.”

For a moment there was a glint of hope in Mario’s eyes. He took a look down at his watch and noticed that there was at least another hour before the royal wedding began.  I can still make it. He thought. The worst she can say is no! Like Luigi said, it’s better than not knowing!

Mario jumped out of his seat and put on his red cap and gloves. He also made sure to take a Tasty Tonic, feeling as though he might need one in the near future. I’ll never leave home without one!  He thought.

As he ran out the door he shouted thanks to Luigi for his encouragement. “No problem!” Luigi shouted back. “It’s the least I can do considering you’ll be captured by ghosts again soon.” He said under his breath.

When Mario arrived at the chapel he only had a few seconds to spare. Right when he burst through the doors,  the ceremony was almost complete.
“Stooooooooop!!!!!!” He shouted at the top of his lungs despite being out of breath.

The wedding came to a screeching halt as all eyes were drawn towards Mario.  “Peach, you’re making a mistake! I still love you!”

There was a round of gasps as everyone in the pews took in the drama. Then the processions eyes went towards Peach. Waiting to see what she would do.

Peach took one look at Link and then took a look at Mario. She shoved the bouquet she was holding into links hands and ran into Mario’s arms.   

“I’m so sorry, Mario!” She said as she held onto the short plumber. “I never want to be apart again!”

Mario was going to respond with a teary speech of his own, but an angry voice broke apart their reunion. “NO! I was so close! If you had just been a few seconds late the Toadstool fortune would have been mine!!!!!!!!” The voice belonged to peaches former fiancé, Link.

“What do you mean?” Peach asked, quite shocked. “Explain this nonsense right now!” She demanded.

“Oh you want me to explain, do you?  Link asked sarcastically. “I never loved you! I loved your money! Once we were married I would have offed you and then I would be swimming in Rupees, coins, zenny, gil, you name it!!!!!! But now all that is ruined because of HIM!!!!!!!” He directed a furious gaze at Mario who was now taking a defensive stance.

Link drew a small dagger from his pocket and said, “If I can’t have what I want, then neither can he!” Link threw the dagger at Peach and it tore through her dress, slashing her in the shoulder. “That dagger was laced with some of the most deadly poison in the land! Say your goodbyes now because she won’t be around much longer!”  Link let loose a cold laugh that echoed through the church. His laughter continued until he felt a sharp pain in the back of his skull and blacked out.

Mario on the other hand was too concerned with his dying love. “Peach, you have to stay with me!” He pleaded. “I can’t lose you!”

“It’s okay, Mario. I’m glad I could spend these last few minutes with you.” She said as her eyes slowly began to close.

Mario was panicking until he remembered something that just might be their salvation. The Tasty Tonic! He thought. I pray to Miyamoto that this works. He drew a small vial from his back pocket, opened it, and drew the bottle to Peaches’ lips. When the bottle was drained of its contents, all he could do was hope that it would work.  It seemed his prayers were answered when the color returned to Peaches’ face and she opened her eyes once again. “Hey there." She said weakly.

“Hey.” He returned. “Do you want to get out of here?” She gave a weak nod.

And with that Mario  and Peach left the Chapel and started their brand new life together.



When link awakened he was met with a throbbing pain in his head and the face of his ex, Zelda.

“Hey.” She said. “Do you need a hand up?”

Without really thinking he took her out stretched hand and got back on his feet. When he took a moment to look around he saw that he was still in the chapel. Though, the only people who were still there were him and Zelda.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Donkey Kong knocked you out.” She said, answering his question.

“And he just left me?”

“He’s never been the smartest.”

“True.” Link said in reply.

After a few moments of them both remaining quiet, Zelda broke the silence by asking, “So why did you do all this?” I thought you were supposed to be the Hero of time? You don’t have an evil bone in your body.”

“I did it because……” He trailed off not able to search his brain for an answer. “Why Did I do this?! I have the Triforce of courage for goodness sake!”

“That’s what I’m saying!”  Zelda said.

For a moment Links eyes went wide as if he had stumbled upon some sort of revelation. In fact, he thought that he had. “Zelda? Have you ever felt like you aren’t in control of your actions? Like none of this is real? Like everything that happens is just preset and all you are just a puppet on a string?!”

“You are talking nonsense. I think you got hit to hard.”

You think I’m crazy, but I know I’m right! What If you’re not real?! What if I’m not real!? What if this entire event was orchestrated by a stupid teenage boy with mediocre writing abilities and this entire thing is just an idea he got from an internet friend!?”

“Do you want to go back to my place and watch, “The Brandon and Megan Show” with me? Zelda deadpanned.

Sure, why not.” Link said, shrugging. “What episode is it?”

“That episode where they get stuck on the roof with the bald eagle and the military takes control of their house.”

“Oh man! That one’s a classic! We better hurry!” Link said, wiping away a happy tear.

                                                   

                                                          THE END.

What’s that? You wish you could have those five minutes of your life back? What was the moral of the story? Well obviously the moral was, “YOU DON’T NEED TO LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN YOU GOT SWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!”  Now get out of here. 



                                                                 


   











 



 Also in case no one got it, that Pokémon joke was in reference to the goofy names that people give their rivals in Pokémon. Now that that is done I can finaly get back to writing something less goofy! XD Not that it took that long to write anyway.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2013, 01:39:31 AM by 1911cowboy »

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Offline Carolinechan5

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Re: Cowboys and Caroline's Chaos. (T I guess)
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2013, 01:42:04 AM »
This is the most amazing thing ever

But

Please don't make fun of me guys asdfghjkl ;;; like cowboy said I was 9


 

       
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